Creativity, Perfectionism and Motherhood
I don't quite know where to begin.
As you may or may not know, I have been working on an original album of music for many, many years now.
Not working on it every day, but rather, finding a way to work on it while living my real life - which has included starting my life over in Israel after leaving the US, meeting my husband, my wedding, the birth of my two beautiful daughters, losing my father and my grandmother, completing my Masters degree, working full and part time jobs - REAL LIFE.
And yet I have been unable to let go of this old dream that I have had since I was so young. These songs that won't stop keeping me awake. The deep need to complete them, to make them as perfect as I can.
Eight years. Writing the songs. Understanding their story as a collection. Arranging the strings. Finding the right musicians. Rehearsing. Recording. Editing, editing, editing. Re-entering studio. Rehearsing. Recording more. Bringing in a choir because that it what three songs asked for.
Finally bringing the material to the hands of a Grammy-nominated sound engineer for the final mastering.
And I have the music now - have had it for over a month. And I LOVE IT. Seriously, it is my therapy to listen to it.
And am now trying to understand what to do next, how to share it all.
Booklet is almost done now (Thanks Chaykee and Leora). Vision of sharing entire album on YouTube is underway.
I move at the pace of a snail because I only have maybe one hour a day to work on things - with having a newborn and a toddler, and trying to keep my house normal and my children fed (and teaching, and going to the gym)
It would be so much easier if I had given up a long time ago.
But something forces me to keep going.
Will anyone listen? Does anyone care? Does it matter?
I am definitely a stronger and more whole person for having undertaken this journey. But I thought when I had finished the music I could rest. But I guess not.
Anyway - I don't really know where to begin tonight with trying to work. Best to go to sleep.
At some point I will share the album with whoever wants to listen. I personally love listening to the music. And I guess that was my main goal - to create something that I loved and was whole with. So maybe all the rest is commentary.